After 73 years of marriage, 94-year old Barbara Cooper knows how to get through matrimony's rough patches. The author of
Fall in Love for Life shares her hard-earned wisdom. By Holly Corbett, REDBOOK.
On making time to make love
"I don't understand couples who say they are too busy or too tired to
sleep together. Unless they are building roads all day or running a
multi-national corporation, I expect they have just lost sight of
priorities. If you wish to stay connected and happy in your marriage, my
advice to you is to never be too tired or too busy to feel love for
your partner. When your life is nearly over, you will regret it if you
look back and recall too many nights when you made excuses instead of
making love."
On bickering "The most important thing for any couple trying to get along is to think before you speak.
If you are bickering
and find that you are getting angry, take a deep breath and change
course, and ask your partner to do the same. Try saying something
conciliatory like, 'I don't know why this is making me so upset, but it
is, so can you just humor me and help me get over it?' By simply
admitting you are losing your cool, you may find that the anger quickly
dissipates."
On greeting
your partner "If you want your relationship to survive and
to thrive, you will have to train yourself to focus most of your
attention on the person you love. When your sweetheart comes into the
room, whether it's just from taking care of some chores in the garage or
from a long day at work, your job is to put down whatever you're doing,
look him in the eye, and verbally express your delight at seeing him
again. It's really so little to ask, and delivers so much - to both of
you."
On having affairs "Some people have
affairs because they tell themselves that they deserve more attention
than they get at home. Or maybe they get annoyed because they feel that
all of their needs aren't getting met by their partner. Well, whoever
told them that one person could meet their every need? You can actually
live quite comfortably without having all of your needs met. Try
thinking about it that way; you might be surprised how
liberating it is. You are not perfect, and neither is your partner, but
you can make a very pleasant life together if you are both serious
about providing the love and support that go along with a marriage."
On going from lovers to parents "It's true that when your babies are small, there isn't much time left over for
romantic gestures.
But the wonderful thing about romance is that it is the quality, never
the quantity, that matters. So when the baby is napping, throw a blanket
on the living room floor, slice some peaches or plums or whatever you
have in the house, pour a glass of something bubbly, and enjoy a mini
picnic. Write love notes to each other and slip them in between the
clean diapers. Be creative, and if you want your love to flourish, it
certainly will do so."
On overcoming money problems "The most important ingredient for getting through
tough economic times
is THE TRUTH - it's so important it should be capitalized and
italicized. So this means that if you have any financial secrets you are
keeping from your partner, you must put them on the
table. Doesn't that sound scary? I am sure it does, but as with so many
unpleasant things that only get bigger and stronger in the dark, these
secrets have a funny way of shrinking in the light of the truth. And as
they get smaller, your stress and worry will fly away. There's never a
better time to be honest with your partner and yourself and make a plan
for dealing with your debts and your excess spending - together. I
promise, you will not regret it."
On tuning in to your partner
"I think the place where good marriages break down is when one or both
parties begin to take the other person for granted. And yet it's
understandable that this happens. Life is complicated and can be
exhausting, so there is always a temptation when you get home to just
tune out, because home is one place where you should feel safe enough to
let your guard down this way. But there's a difference between relaxing
and disengaging, and while relaxing is
a healthy way to recharge your psychic and spiritual batteries,
disengaging is a drain on you and your relationships. Nothing is more
important than that you recognize the difference and stay present for
all the people you love."
On bringing up the past
"The most important lesson I can teach you from our happy marriage is
that we did not rehash. If something was unpleasant, we got through it,
handled the fallout, and did not bring it up again in happy times. So we
both knew that once a problem was solved, that was it - we would not
have to answer for it again, at least not in its current form. And
knowing this, we could give all our attention to fixing the problems
that came along, because once they were fixed, we could forget about
them, which is a very wonderful feeling."
On controlling your anger
"Have you ever noticed that you can't spell dangerous without anger?
I'm no
linguist, but I don't think that's a coincidence. When you're ready to
blow, you might say anything hurtful, things you would normally spare
the person you love from hearing. Don't say something you'll regret
forever. Don't give your partner an excuse to come back to you with his
or her own resentments. Instead, find a way to get your anger under
control. For myself, I simply run through my mind a short movie of how
foolishly I have been acting. You may have better luck singing a silly
song, or patting your head while rubbing your tummy, or doing whatever
little trick helps bring you outside of yourself long enough to regain
control."
No comments:
Post a Comment